[AGL] A conversation with Mel's agent, as overheard by David Thomson

[Michael Eisenstadt]

A conversation with Mel's agent, as overheard by David Thomson

"Mel, Mel! It's Alan. Alan Nerob. How are we, baby?"

"I don't know about you Alan, but I'm shit-face."

"Mel, you know we don't talk like that."

"Man, I tied one on!"

"I understand, Mel. Firstly we need to establish that you're under immense 
stress. Is that not so? Talk to me of stress, baby."

"Well, I guess so."

"Mel, this is Alan, please do not make with the Braveheart for me now. I 
want to know that I am talking to a wreck. What we have to do here is, 
whatever the attack, we say the situation is far worse."

"Really? You think I can get away with this?"

"Mel, I don't promise you a rose garden. But we have been here before, 
haven't we?"

"We have?"

"The Passion, baby, the passion of the one I don't like to mention."

"Oh, right."

"This was a picture that no distributor was ever going to touch? Have I got 
that right?"

"Exactly right!"

"And Mel Gibson was going to be abused and humiliated among men. And 
everyone would remember that his daft Dad had said there was no Holocaust?"

"Right on!"

"And what did Alan say?"

"You said, 'Hold on, baby, there's always people to the right of you in this 
country.'"

"And was I proved correct?"

"Alan, you were on the money!"

"Well, baby, I'm glad you remember the money because as Alan remembers it 
the money was coming in in truckloads."

"Still is! Still is!"

"OK. Now, Alan has a mantra and he wants Mel to say this several times: 'The 
money is still coming in in truckloads.' Recite that... I have to take 
another call. One minute."

Mel Gibson is heard reciting the mantra. He stumbles occasionally, but you 
can hear the steel returning to his shattered personality.

"Hi, it's Alan. You sound stronger."

"It's good stuff, that mantra."

"That mantra is the word. But work with me, do not be too strong."

"I like to be strong. I'm a hero. I'm feeling better already, Alan."

"Hush, Mel - not better, not yet. OK, tell me. How old is Mel?"

"Shit, Alan, why you have to ask that... I was 50 this year."

"Oh! Let me say it again: Oh! Do we have a midlife crisis here? Physical 
problems? Memory gaps? Of course you do. Mel, you are 50 and you have been 
doing too much and you drink."

"Alan, I don't drink that much more than I ever did!"

"Mel, at your age, you don't have the brain cells to stand up to it. You 
were smashed in Malibu - right? And you told this cop that he was probably 
Jewish. And the Jews were at the source of the problems. Stuff like that, 
right? Soak it up, baby."

"I guess I said that."

"Because you were too blasted actually to know what you said?"

"Alan, I was out of control."

"Mel, one correcto. 'You were acting like a person out of control.' That is 
a key sentence in our statement."

"I was acting?"

"Mel, you are an actor. You were only like someone out of control. It is the 
first way of regaining control."

"Cool."

"I want you all over the TV by Sunday. With the cop. You are to be contrite. 
I'd suggest that you're not entirely groomed for the occasion."

"Don't shave?"

"And you reveal that you've had a drinking problem. We call it a health 
problem. You'll be taking 'necessary steps to ensure my return to health'."

"And you think that will swing it?"

"Mel, if we've learnt one thing, it's that we can get away with nearly 
anything. All you've done is get smashed and kid a nice-looking cop about 
being Jewish."

"But in this town, Alan!"

"Mel. Work with me. In this town, you're never going to be the most liked 
guy. You know why? You're a smash hit, baby. You've made junk, and the 
people go to see it."

"Hey, easy on, Alan. That stuff is from the heart."

"I like that tone, Mel. No one ever went wrong in America with that line. Of 
course it's from the heart, and that's why the people who love you love you. 
Remember, 'The money is still coming in...'"

"And it's a good film."

"Mel, there were people in my business who said, 'That Gibson jerk has gone 
too far this time.' I told them: be careful of sincerity. With sincerity in 
America, who knows what you can do? And I saw that film be bigger than 
anything you have ever done."

"The biggest!"

"You see!"