Anger management

[Wayne Johnson]

>From the front page of the Front Royal Gazeteer & News Cornicopium:

Warren Country Sheriff's officers broke up a riot at the local New Reformed
Quaker meeting hall Wednesday evening.  The fight started after one speaker
rose to decry the distribution of condoms in the local grocery store (Food
Lion, now 12 for $8.00, Extra Large, Extra Sensitive) as contributing to the
deliquency of her step daughter who, it seems was sitting next to her.  The
young lady, who could not be identified because she is a minor said, "My
name is Margaret bin Ulster-Goethe and my step lady is not human but an
alien imposter!"  Shouting "Condoms Rule!", she proceeded to hit her step
mother several times with her Giant Food Market Chocolate Easter Bunny
Surprise (available for $6.78 with your Giant Discount Card).  When the
speaker intervened she bit him on the index finger, allegedly drawing blood.
He responded by bitch slapping the un-named Margaret and was then kicked in
the shin by the un-named step mother who screamed "You faithless SOB, that
is your own daughter!"  She was then grabbed by several near-by spectators
who attempted to wrestle her to the ground with shouts of "Be Quiet!" and
"Find your Inner Self!"

In the ensuing melee the punch table was overturned and 30 gallons of grape
punch ($6.77 a gallon at Wal-Mart this week) spilled out on the floor,
staining the new white carpet (Home Depot at a mere $4.59 per yard with
contractor discounts).and installed that afternoon.  This was when someone
dialed 911.  The fight then spilled out into the nearby Front Royal Town
Centre where there the Heaven's Angels's Baptist Motorcyle Glee Club was
about to go on stage to perform their latest hit "God Loves You, You Sorry
Piece of Shit" (CD available at K-Mart Discount Back door, ask for Joe Bob.)
An anonymous Sheriff's Office spokesperson stated that the alleged Margaret
bin Ulster-Goethe is wanted for motor cycle helmet theft and biting the nose
of alleged Glee Club tenor Xavier Allenby before fleeing up Main street on
foot.  A warrant will be issued for her arrest as soon as Justice Malfoy
Gershenson returns from his canoe trip to Luray Shores. (This week's special
is two canoes for the price of one at the Front Royal Canoe Emporium on
South Second.  Ask for Joe Bob.)

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If anyone finds my motorcycle helmet (black with white crosses and red
peonies) please contact me here at the FRGNC.