Getting old can be fun, uh, funny.
Monty/Judy Herr
herr@attbi.com
Fri, 30 May 2003 11:43:59 -0700
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Reading the speeding one out loud to Monty, I got started laughing and
couldn't get the punch line out...so, he laughed a lot at me for my
great delivery..
-----Original Message-----
From: austin-ghetto-list-admin@pairlist.net
[mailto:austin-ghetto-list-admin@pairlist.net] On Behalf Of Frances
Morey
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2003 8:10 PM
To: Mariann Vizard; Linda Wetherby; Karen Willis; frances morey; Jeaneen
McMaster; austin-ghetto-list@pairlist.net
Subject: Getting old can be fun, uh, funny.
These are some good! I laughed and laughed...
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"What?," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>
>
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
>
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
>
>
SPEEDING ALONG
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers,
a State Police officer sees a car puttering along
at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and
pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices
that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and
three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?
"Ma'am," the officer
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than
the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old
woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they
haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119... "
>
> SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a
long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon
do you need to know?
>
>
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large
car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light".
>
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection.
>
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!"
>
Mildred turned to her and
said, "Oh mercy, am I driving?"
>
>
> NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch
her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she
starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more
bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family
arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
>
>
> ROMANCE
>
An older couple were lying
in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second
and tried to get back to sleep.
>
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
>
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
>
>
DOWN
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what I have in my hand. If so, they will
get to have sex with me.
> >
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie
thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
>
>
> SENIOR SEX
Two 90-year-olds
had been dating for some time, when the man told the
woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"
The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to
himself, "My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have
been much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My word,
if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have
taken off my pantyhose."
>
>
SEE.NILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in
and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"
>
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
>
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____
Do you Yahoo!?
The New <http://us.rd.yahoo.com/search/mailsig/*http:/search.yahoo.com>
Yahoo! Search - Faster. Easier. Bingo.
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<div class=3DSection1>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 color=3Dblack face=3D"Times New =
Roman"><span
style=3D'font-size:12.0pt;color:black'>Reading the speeding one out loud =
to
Monty, I got started laughing and couldn’t get the punch line =
out…..so,
he laughed a lot at me for my great delivery….</span></font></p>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 color=3Dblack face=3D"Times New =
Roman"><span
style=3D'font-size:12.0pt;color:black'> </span></font></p>
<div style=3D'border:none;border-left:solid blue 1.5pt;padding:0in 0in =
0in 4.0pt'>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D2 face=3DTahoma><span =
style=3D'font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Tahoma'>-----Original Message-----<br>
<b><span style=3D'font-weight:bold'>From:</span></b>
austin-ghetto-list-admin@pairlist.net
[mailto:austin-ghetto-list-admin@pairlist.net] <b><span =
style=3D'font-weight:
bold'>On Behalf Of </span></b>Frances Morey<br>
<b><span style=3D'font-weight:bold'>Sent:</span></b> Thursday, May 22, =
2003 8:10
PM<br>
<b><span style=3D'font-weight:bold'>To:</span></b> Mariann Vizard; Linda
Wetherby; Karen Willis; frances morey; Jeaneen McMaster;
austin-ghetto-list@pairlist.net<br>
<b><span style=3D'font-weight:bold'>Subject:</span></b> Getting old can =
be fun,
uh, funny.</span></font></p>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'> </span></font></p>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>These are some good! I laughed and laughed... <br>
<br>
<br>
SENIOR DRIVING <br>
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his <br>
car phone rang. </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, =
<br>
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the =
wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'> </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>"What?," said Herman, "It's not just <br>
one car. It's hundreds of them!" <br>
> <br>
> <br>
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" <br>
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine =
<br>
March day. <br>
> <br>
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" <br>
"No," the second man replied, "it's =
Thursday." <br>
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
beer." <br>
> <br>
> <br>
SPEEDING ALONG <br>
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to <br>
catch speeding drivers, <br>
a State Police officer sees a car puttering along <br>
at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just =
as </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on =
his
lights and </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he =
notices <br>
that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and <br>
three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts. =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>The driver, obviously confused, says to him, =
"Officer, I
don't <br>
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What =
seems</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>to be the problem?</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>"Ma'am," the officer <br>
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know =
that </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger =
to <br>
other drivers." </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'> "Slower than <br>
the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing =
the <br>
speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>woman says a bit proudly. </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, =
explains
to <br>
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit. <br>
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for =
<br>
pointing out her error. </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'> "But before I let you go, Ma'am," =
said the
officer, "I have to ask... <br>
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken =
and
they haven't muttered a single peep this whole =
time." <br>
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just =
got
off Route <br>
119... " <br>
<br>
> <br>
> SENIOR MOMENTS II <br>
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over =
the <br>
years they had shared all kinds of activities and =
adventures. </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>Lately, their activities had been <br>
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. <br>
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and =
<br>
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been =
friends
for a long <br>
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought =
and
thought, <br>
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name
is." <br>
Her friend glared at her. For at least three <br>
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know? <br>
> <br>
> <br>
> DRIVING <br>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large <br>
car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they =
were</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>cruising along, they came to an intersection. The =
stoplight
was </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I =
could have
sworn we just went through a red light". <br>
> <br>
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and =
the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. =
The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light =
had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting <br>
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the <br>
road and the next intersection. <br>
> <br>
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they =
went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, =
"Mildred, did
you <br>
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could =
have
killed us both!" <br>
> <br>
Mildred turned to her and <br>
said, "Oh mercy, am I driving?" <br>
> <br>
> <br>
> NURSING HOME <br>
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a =
nursing <br>
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The =
next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set =
her in
a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower =
garden. <br>
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over =
<br>
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch
her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a =
while
she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and =
once more
bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family
arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new
home. <br>
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all =
right?" they
ask. <br>
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't =
let me
fart." <br>
> <br>
> <br>
> ROMANCE <br>
> <br>
An older couple were lying <br>
in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>She said: "You used to hold my hand when we =
<br>
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her =
hand for a
second and tried to get back to sleep. <br>
> <br>
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to <br>
kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a =
peck on
the cheek and settled down to sleep. <br>
> <br>
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got =
out
of <br>
bed. "Where are you going?" she =
asked. <br>
"To get my teeth!" <br>
> <br>
> <br>
DOWN <br>
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER <br>
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement =
home. <br>
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, <br>
"Anyone who can guess what I have in my hand. If so, they =
will</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>get to have sex with me.<br>
> > <br>
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie <br>
thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." <br>
> <br>
> <br>
> SENIOR SEX <br>
Two 90-year-olds <br>
had been dating for some time, when the man told the <br>
woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you =
agree?" </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>The old woman agrees and the two make love that
afternoon. <br>
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to <br>
himself, "My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I =
would
have been much more gentle!" </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My =
word, <br>
if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have =
taken
off my pantyhose." <br>
> <br>
> <br>
SEE.NILE <br>
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She =
puts one
foot in </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting =
in
or <br>
out of the bath?" <br>
> <br>
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come =
<br>
up and see." She starts up the stairs and =
pauses. </span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'> Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or
down?" <br>
> <br>
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and =
<br>
says, "I sure hope I never get that =
forgetful."</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>She knocks on wood for good measure. =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you =
</span></font></p>
</div>
<div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal style=3D'margin-bottom:12.0pt'><font size=3D3
face=3D"Times New Roman"><span style=3D'font-size:12.0pt'>as soon as I =
see
who's at the door." </span></font></p>
</div>
<div class=3DMsoNormal align=3Dcenter style=3D'text-align:center'><font =
size=3D3
face=3D"Times New Roman"><span style=3D'font-size:12.0pt'>
<hr size=3D1 width=3D"100%" align=3Dcenter>
</span></font></div>
<p class=3DMsoNormal><font size=3D3 face=3D"Times New Roman"><span =
style=3D'font-size:
12.0pt'>Do you Yahoo!?<br>
<a =
href=3D"http://us.rd.yahoo.com/search/mailsig/*http:/search.yahoo.com">Th=
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