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<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/pop/artpix/">Stephanie Chernikowski Photo
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Mobile/GodPDA |  Books |  Onion Merchandise & Subscriptions |  National=20
Distribution    Media Kit |  Employment |  Copyright 26 September 2001     =20

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule=A0=20
=20

=A0 =A0 =A0 NEW YORK=97Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omnisc=
ient=20
creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more=
=20
than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans=20
killing each other Monday.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clea=
r, so=20
for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying=20
visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin=20
Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to=20
kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sic=
k=20
and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill=20
anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that=
=20
anybody ought to be able to understand."=A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0 Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His=20=
name=20
has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in=20
what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a p=
erson=20
tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don'=
t=20
care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one=20
more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
=A0 =A0 =A0 The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rar=
ely=20
intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has=20
traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to=20
clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and=20
laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries,=20
deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to man=
i
fest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage=
,=20
and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and=20
over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people=
, so=20
you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God,=
=20
called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I=
=20
guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a=20
four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses.=20
How much more clear can I get?"
=A0 =A0 =A0 "But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you kno=
w,=20
somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this=20
guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's=20
not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder=20
people.'"
=A0 =A0 =A0 Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions=20=
are=20
justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?"=
 God=20
said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it=97My bad.=20=
I=20
did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have=20
misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material=20
that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a=20
second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus=
,=20
and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me u=
p=20
the wall."
=A0 =A0 =A0 God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as=
=20
"wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks=20
rare exceptions.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all=20=
but=20
vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good=20
reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones.=20
The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of=20
these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in=20
America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautifu=
l,=20
Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no,=20
some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just t=
o=20
further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all=20
murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural=20
progress down the drain."
=A0 =A0 =A0 God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at I=
slamic=20
extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or=
=20
her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this s=
ame=20
mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus,=
=20
the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the=20
Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing,=20
Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people=
=20
believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been=20
killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people=20=
see?=20
What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out=20
there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic=20
message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism,=20
Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you'r=
e=20
supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to=20
grasp."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need r=
eligion=20
or God as an excuse to kill each other=97you've been doing that without any=20
help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of=20
believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can=20
you get?"
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice risi=
ng to a=20
shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it,=20
across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other=20
anymore=97ever! I'm fucking serious!"
=A0 =A0 =A0 Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly=20=
at the=20
podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began=20
to shake, and He wept.
 =A0=20
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
--

----------

U.S. Vows to Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With


=A0 =A0 =A0 WASHINGTON, DC=97In a televised address to the American people T=
uesday, a=20
determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly=20
it is we're at war with here."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "America's enemy, be it Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, the Tal=
iban, a=20
multinational coalition of terrorist organizations, any of a rogue's gallery=
=20
of violent Islamic fringe groups, or an entirely different, non-Islamic=20
aggressor we've never even heard of... be warned," Bush said during an=20
11-minute speech from the Oval Office. "The United States is preparing to=20
strike, directly and decisively, against you, whoever you are, just as soon=20
as we have a rough idea of your identity and a reasonably decent estimate as=
=20
to where your base is located."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Added Bush: "That is, assuming you have a base."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Bush is acting with the full support of Congress, which on Sept.=
 14=20
authorized him to use any necessary force against the undetermined attackers=
.=20
According to House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), the congressional move=20
enables the president to declare war, "to the extent that war can=20
realistically be declared on, like, maybe three or four Egyptian guys, an=20
Algerian, and this other guy who kind of looks Lebanese but could be Syrian.=
=20
Or whoever else it might have been. Because it might not have been them."
=A0 =A0 =A0 In addition to those responsible for the Sept. 11 attack, the U.=
S. is=20
determined to exact revenge upon any nation found to have harbored the=20
perpetrators.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Should we determine that a nation has been giving refuge to thi=
s=20
fiend=97or fiends, as the case may be=97we will effectively be at war with t=
hat=20
nation," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) said. "Then again, what i=
f=20
we declared war on Afghanistan and they didn't send anyone to fight us? It's=
=20
plausible that we could declare war on them, but they wouldn't go to war wit=
h=20
us, since they weren't the ones who actually attacked us. Who would our=20
soldiers even shoot?"
=A0 =A0 =A0 U.S. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), one of Congress' decorated war vet=
erans,=20
tried to steel the nation for the possibility of a long and confusing=20
conflict.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "America faces a long road ahead," McCain said. "We do not yet k=
now the=20
nature of 21st-century warfare. We do not yet know how to fight this sort of=
=20
fight. And I'll be damned if one of us has an inkling who we will be fightin=
g=20
against. With any luck, they've got uniforms of some sort."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Christ," McCain continued, "what if the terrorists' base of ope=
ration=20
turns out to be Detroit? Would we declare war on the state of Michigan? I=20
suppose we'd have to."
=A0
=A0 =A0 =A0 Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the war against terror=
ism=20
will be different from any previous model of modern warfare.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "We were lucky enough at Pearl Harbor to be the victim of a crav=
en=20
sneak attack from an aggressor with the decency to attack military targets,=20
use their own damn planes, and clearly mark those planes with their national=
=20
insignia so that we knew who they were," Rumsfeld said. "Since the=20
21st-century breed of coward is not affording us any such luxury, we are=20
forced to fritter away time searching hither and yon for him in the manner o=
f=20
a global easter-egg hunt."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "America is up to that challenge," Rumsfeld added.
=A0 =A0 =A0 On Monday, the House of Representatives voted 428-2 to form an=20
intelligence-gathering task force dedicated to "rooting out every scrap of=20
information that can possibly be gleaned" concerning the attackers.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "When this task force's investigation is complete, America will=20=
know=20
this guy's mother's favorite flavor of ice cream," U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm=20
(R-TX) said. "We will also know who he is."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Gramm said that the U.S. has already learned a great deal about=20=
the=20
details of the Sept. 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and=20
Pentagon, and that a rough psychological profile of its mastermind has been=20
constructed.=20
=A0 =A0 =A0 "For example, we know that the mastermind has the approximate=20
personality of a terrorist," Gramm said. "Also, he is senseless. New data is=
=20
emerging all the time."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Standing in opposition to Bush and Congress is a small but growi=
ng=20
anti-war movement. During the president's speech Tuesday, two dozen=20
demonstrators gathered outside the White House, chanting and waving placards=
=20
bearing such slogans as "U.S. Out Of Somewhere" and "No Blood For Whatever=20
These Murderous Animals Hope To Acquire."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Attorney General John Ashcroft urged Americans to "come together=
 at=20
such a difficult and unprecedented time in our nation's history."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Make no mistake, we are facing a grave evil," Ashcroft said. "T=
his was=20
a horrific crime, the likes of which our nation has never seen. But this=20
crime will not go unpunished, mark my words. To whoever did this, wherever=20
you are, I say to you: Justice will be served, swiftly and hopefully."
 =A0  =20
=A9 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com=
/ =20
---------------------------------------------------------

American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie

Mobile/PDA |  Books |  Onion Merchandise & Subscriptions |  National=20
Distribution    Media Kit |  Employment |  Copyright 26 September 2001     =20=
=A0=20
=20

=A0 =A0 =A0 NEW YORK=97In the two weeks since terrorists crashed hijacked pl=
anes into=20
the World Trade Center and Pentagon, American life has come to resemble a ba=
d=20
Jerry Bruckheimer-produced action/disaster movie, shellshocked citizens=20
reported Tuesday.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Terrorist hijackings, buildings blowing up, thousands of people=
=20
dying=97these are all things I'm accustomed to seeing," said Dan Monahan, 32=
,=20
who witnessed the fiery destruction of the Twin Towers firsthand from the=20
window of his second-story apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. "I've seen the=
m=20
all before=97we all have=97on TV and in movies. In movies like Armageddon, i=
t=20
seemed silly and escapist. But this, this doesn't have any scenes where Bruc=
e=20
Willis saves the planet and quips a one-liner as he blows the bad guy up."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "Did you hear that the plane that hit the Pentagon was supposed=20=
to=20
crash into the White House?" Monahan continued. "It would have looked just=20
like that scene in Independence Day. Only real."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Fellow New Yorker Bradley Martin, 25, was similarly shaken.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "This isn't supposed to happen in real life," Martin said. "This=
 is=20
supposed to be something that happens in the heads of guys in L.A. sitting=20
around a table, trying to figure out where to add a love interest."
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I always thought terrorists blowing shit up would be cool," Mar=
tin=20
continued. "Like, if the Pentagon was bombed, I figured they'd mobilize a=20
special elite squadron of secret-agent ninjas, and half of them would be hot=
=20
babes. How could I ever think that? This is actually happening, and it's jus=
t=20
not cool at all."
=A0 =A0 =A0 For nearly two full weeks, Americans sat transfixed in front of=20=
their=20
televisions, listening to shocked newscasters struggle to maintain their=20
composure while describing events that would have been rejected by Hollywood=
=20
producers as not believable enough for a Sylvester Stallone vehicle. All the=
=20
familiar action-movie elements were there: terrorists taking over a plane,=20
panicked crowds, huge fireball explosions, Secret Service agents ushering th=
e=20
president to a secret underground military base in Nebraska to plan the next=
=20
move. A news report revealed that the terrorists had planned to strike Air=20
Force One. At any moment, it seemed a squadron of alien warships would=20
materialize and begin to menace Jeff Goldblum.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "I read that the plane that crashed near Pittsburgh didn't hit i=
ts=20
target because the passengers fought back," said Modesto, CA, dental=20
receptionist Sandra Barkum through tears. "I just kept thinking, that's what=
=20
Wesley Snipes did in Passenger 57. Except, in the end, Wesley Snipes lived."
=A0 =A0 =A0 When the president finally appeared on TV, it was George W. Bush=
=20
addressing the nation, not Bill Pullman or Harrison Ford. At the conclusion=20
of his address, Bush did not grab a leggy blonde reporter out of the crowd=20
and kiss her. When Americans finally staggered into the streets, desperate t=
o=20
talk to anyone to try to make sense of what they had just seen, there were n=
o=20
Attack On America collector cups waiting for them at Taco Bell. The dead and=
=20
injured did not, like Jon Voight, stand up in their wheelchairs as the music=
=20
swelled. And Ben Affleck was nowhere to be seen.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "There are Air Force jets flying over Manhattan and warships in=20=
New=20
York harbor, but none of it is exciting or entertaining at all," said Wall=20
Street broker Irwin Trotter, 47, among the lucky ones who walked away from=20
the destruction. "If the world were going to suddenly turn into a movie=20
without warning, I wish it would have been one of those boring, talky=20
Merchant-Ivory ones instead. I hate those movies, but I sure wish we were=20
living in one right now."
=A0 =A0 =A0 Despite a widespread call for military retaliation among the pop=
ulace,=20
the prospect of prolonged conflict offers little comfort.
=A0 =A0 =A0 "In the movies, when the president says, 'It's war,' that usuall=
y means=20
the good part is just about to begin," said hardware-store owner Thom Garner=
=20
of Cedar Rapids, IA. "Why doesn't it feel that way now? It doesn't feel like=
=20
the good part is about to begin at all. It feels there's never going to be=20
another good part again."
=A0 =A0 =A0 The collective sense of outrage, helplessness, and desperation f=
elt by=20
Americans is beyond comprehension. And it will be years before the full=20
ramifications of the events of Sept. 11 become clear. But one thing is clear=
:=20
No Austrian bodybuilder, gripping Uzis and striding shirtless through the=20
debris, will save us and make it all better. Shocked and speechless, we are=20
all still waiting for the end credits to roll. They aren't going to.

---------------------------------------------------

 =A0   n, Inc., All ri

Talking to Your Child About the WTC Attack

Mobile/PDA |  Books |  Onion Merchandise & Subscriptions |  National=20
Distribution    Media Kit |  Employment |  Copyright 26 September 2001     =20=
=A0=20

The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand.=20
What should you tell your child when he or she asks why this happened?=20
Obviously, there's no easy answer, but the following is a start:


*   Sit your child down, and gently explain to him or her that the=20
destruction of the Twin Towers was part of a Holy War, or jihad, against the=
=20
U.S. perpetrated by a small faction of Islamic fundamentalists bent on the=20
annihilation of Western society.


*   As your child may or may not know, much of modern Islamic fundamentalism=
=20
has its roots in the writings of Sayyid Qutb, whose two-year sojourn to the=20
U.S. in the late 1940s convinced him that Western society and non-Islamic=20
ideologies were flawed and corrupt. Over the course of the next several=20
decades, his writings became increasingly popular throughout the Arab world,=
=20
including Afghanistan.


*   Patiently explain to your child that in 1979, the Soviet Union invaded=20
Afghanistan, outraging the U.S. Determined to stem the tide of communism, th=
e=20
U.S. provided Afghanistan with military support in the form of weapons and=20
training. Among the beneficiaries of this support were many of Qutb's=20
radical-fundamentalist adherents. These fundamentalists eventually took over=
=20
Afghanistan in the form of a group called the Taliban. Militarized and=20
radicalized by years of war, Taliban leaders turned against the U.S., which=20
long supported them in their fight against the occupying Soviets but=20
eventually came to be seen as the embodiment of Western immorality.


*   You should also let your child know that among those supported by the=20
Taliban is Osama bin Laden, a Saudi multi-millionaire and terrorist who for=20
years has taken refuge in encampments in the rugged hills of Afghanistan.=20
Like his Taliban brethren, bin Laden believes that the U.S. is guilty of=20
apostasy and should be punished accordingly.


*   Your child will likely ask why bin Laden is so angry at the U.S. Explain=
=20
to him or her that much of his anger is rooted in the fact that, during the=20
Gulf War, the U.S. stationed troops in Saudi Arabia, the nation that is home=
=20
to the Islamic holy cities of Mecca and Medina. Bin Laden was further angere=
d=20
by America's post-Gulf War efforts to oust Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein by=20
imposing an embargo against his nation.



No doubt, your child will have more questions. He or she will likely want to=
=20
know what role other terrorist groups played in the attack, as well as what=20
destabilizing effects a U.S. invasion of Afghanistan could have on the=20
increasingly volatile political climate in Pakistan. Hopefully, though, the=20
above will serve as a start, helping your child better understand why the ba=
d=20
men did this terrible thing.

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